Monthly Archives: September 2014
So… you may be thinking, “Is this that episode with Mulder in the red speedo in the pool that time?”
And the answer is: “No. Not yet. That is episode 5 of this season, which we will have been watching in a few weeks time. Good looking out though. Stay vigilant. Well done, XX-phile. Keep hope alive.”
So, that is basically a summary of this evening’s episode, “The Host.”
Oh wait: no it’s not.
So The Host is about worms that become people and people who become worms. What is a worm anyway?
Well, they live in sewers and they are older than other forms of life on Earth, DUH. Flukes are a kind of a rat. No, a kind of a worm, but flat. Not a python. Definitely not a python. Pythons are snakes. Snakes are not worms. Worms look like snakes. Snakes are not the same as eels even though eels are the snakes of the sea. Except for water snakes. Those are the real deal.
The Snake Mackerel is some sort of fish-snake hybrid. Here is a picture:
This should not be confused with the Catfish Eel, an easy mistake for amateurs. Note the differences:
So anyway, serpentine and vermiform creatures are really strange. Flukes are really bizarre, because they are so flat. Why are they so flat? Creepy. A giant one would slide right under your door like some sort of horror, nightmare hell. Then it would attack you, eat your bile ducts, and infect you with some weird thing that would turn you into a fluke also, but slightly less flat. A fat fluke. Fatluke. Fatke. Flake? No. Nothing works.
Anyway, so now that you are a human fluke hybrid, what is there to do? Well, you can start by slithering around the sewers and attacking all of your human friends so that you have some new slimy, gross flatter fat fluke friends to hang with in the dank filth pits beneath human habitations. Obviously.
It’s really easy to move around now that you are a fluke. You can totally fit your slimy fat flat wretched body through pipes and whatnot. Want to visit your friend? No problem! Slime your disgusting flat fat toothy-grinned squishy head through his toilet AND SCARE HIS ENTIRE FAMILY TO DEATH.
HAHA! HILARIOUS JOKES.
So anyway, being a fluke is cool, if you’re into hanging out in sewers and stuff (and you know you are).
We’ll see you next week for “Blood.” That is a pretty great episode, despite being a strange bottle, MOTW, one-off. Don’t go crazy in the mean time dreaming about being a flat worm thing. Certainly don’t do whatever the microwave is telling you to do. It does not know best. Get back in the toilet, you.
EDIT: GUYS, we just learned that the SNAKE MACKEREL is a REAL FRIGGING THING. WHAT?
I hate it when we invent things that actually already exist.
Paul and I are conference-calling “Little Green Men” AS I TYPE. The tradition continues! This year with better blogging!
Notes for recap: Why does Mulder’s sister’s abduction always look different? How did Scully always look so stylish, even while terribly pregnant? Can we ever return to a time when X-Files themes were not cliched?
The moment is upon us! Little Green men airs tonight twenty years ago. Don’t miss it, or you’ll have to travel through time to watch it. Or you could wait five years for X-FIles 25 years later or 30 years for X-Files fifty years later or 20 years for X-Files twenty years later twenty years later. So, there are options.
But to hell with all of that. Shut up. Turn your television on. Make Netflix go into your television through some sort of wizardry. And watch the X-files. Duh.
I’ll be back at some point with a recap and SPOILERS.