1X02: “Squeeze” RECAP

LETTER FROM THE PRESENT AMANDA, February 20, 2014: Hey you guys, it turns out that I started a recap of “Squeeze” but never finished it. I am going to post it now since it’s been so many months that I think I’m never going to catch up. So here you go.

Please note first that I haven’t written my recap of Deep Throat yet. I will. I think the big thing is that I don’t really like that episode all that much, so I have been procrastinating writing on it. But I will because I know I have at least one reader!!

So, tonight is Squeeze. First a word about my life: it has become busy. When I planned this project years ago, I never imagined not having the easy, intermittently stressful, but on the average delightful life of a graduate student. Now I have a real(ish) job, that requires me to wear high heels and blazers (sometimes), and go to an office (when I’m not telecommuting from my bed). So anyway I had to go out to dinner tonight—a private, off the record kind of dinner that I can’t write about. And I missed out on watching Squeeze with my friends because of it. So I stopped at CVS on the way home for some Diet Pepsi and ice cream and that’s going to accompany me through my viewing of Squeeze, alone, at my kitchen table.



So, our episode begins.

Can I just take a minute to interrupt myself? You guys. The opening theme song. With the completely random phrases? “Paranormal activity.” “Government denies knowledge.” It’s like they gave some intern who was going back to school the following week the task of thinking up whatever word salad should go. It’s awesome.


This is good.


Scully and some douchebag are having lunch and she defends Mulder, which means she loves him. Duh. Douchebag wants her help on a serial killer. “Come down to the crime scene, and also suck my dick. But just don’t mess up my perfect hair.” He also refers to her as “Mrs. Spooky,” a title which would point to the accomplishment which is literally my life’s dream. (For reference, “Mrs. David Duchovny” would also work fine.)


M&S are working on the crime scene.

Mulder: “Do you think I’m spooky?” he says playfully.

Mulder and Tom Colton (referred to above as Douchebag, let’s go with that) check each other out and assess relative, metaphorical penis size, kind of like the business card scene in American Psycho.

Naturally Mulder figures out that the vent is relevant to the crime using a tiny scrap of screw metal, and finds probably the most thoroughly obvious fingerprint on the vent.

Now Mulder compares them to crimes from years and years earlier.

Can I just say that Mulder sure does look fiiiine indeed near a slide box?

Scully wants to know if Mulder wants her to go in front of the Higher Ups with a theory that aliens did the murders, which stretch (punny!) through many, many years. “No of course not,” he says, “I find no evidence of alien involvement.”

“Well what then, that this is the work of a hundred-year-old serial killer who’s capable of overpowering a healthy 6 foot 2 business man?’” “And he should stick out in a crowd with ten inch fingers.”

“Our X-File dates back to 1903. We had it first.” So they’re going to do separate investigations and compare results at the end.

Scully doesn’t have her Business Ponytail while writing her off-the-cuff initial profile, so we know she’s full of shit. Get real, Sculls.

“That is, if you don’t mind working in an area that’s a bit more down to earth.” Douchey laughs.


Mulder jumps out at Scully, which is hilarious. Oh Mulder! What a guy.

If I may say, the silly sound effects that play whenever Tooms is on the move are really, really distracting and horrible.

I wonder if Scully always imagined that being an FBI agent would one day require her to yell authoritatively while swingin’ a gun “Proceed down the vent! Slowly!”



Polygraph, because, um, that’s how we always tell whether people are criminals, right?

Colton-Douchebag wants to get Scully reassigned out of X-Files into his bedroom department, but she refuses because of her love for Mulder professional duty.

Can we please hear it for the visual effects that went into stretching Tooms all the way down the chimney? Brilliant stuff.


Colton has another dick measuring contest with Mulder.

“Whose side are you on?” “The victims’.” Good one, Scully. Bazinga!


2023 is when they’ll get Tooms again. For reference, 2023 is when we start xfiles30yearslater.

Pre-internet research! Poor Mulder.

Tooms has an interior design sense stolen right out of the interior of my house. (If you replace all the garbage he has strewn about with my roommate’s sports memorabilia, of course.)

“Is there any way I could get this off my fingers quickly without betraying my cool exterior?” Oh Mulder. No exclamation point. Just hyperventilation.


66 EXETER ST., 11:30 A.M.

66 EXETER ST., 7:25 P.M.

Scully is running a bath when she hears a weird noise. First off, does everyone really run a full bathtub of water and then get in? I feel like that’s what people always do on the television. I always get in the bathtub while the water runs. Is that weird? Could I be doing something as simple as bathing incorrectly?


Posted on 24/09/2013, in Recap. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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